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Wednesday, February 18, 2004

Tips for would-be Evil Overlords:

My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones that can hide the enemy.

My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

Shooting is not too good for my enemies and should be done ASAP.

The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say "No" and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No".

I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled ``Danger: Do Not Push''. The big red button marked ``Do Not Push'' will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.

One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.


There's roughly a trillion of these and they just keep getting funnier. I'd suggest you check 'em out.

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